According to Consumer Reports Magazine June 2013 The Forking Truth is that half of all Ground Meat Packages tested positive for forking Fecal Matter.  Grind your Meat Yourself. Unless you want to eat forking  Sh*t.

Coarsely Hand Chopped Chicken

Forking Truth

On mindless forking TV Shows I sometimes watch I hear many people almost screaming “Halla”.  I know Challah Bread taste good are they screaming for Challah? It’s almost like a forking greeting. “Halla” “halla”…..

Every time I hear that “Halla” I think of Challah Bread that braided egg bread made from white flour, eggs, water, sugar, yeast and salt. If I was a forking manufacturer of bread I might name my bread “Halla Bread”.  Is that a million dollar idea$ ?

To try to understand the meaning of Halla I looked it up on the Urban Dictionary and to my surprise this is what I forking found.

Halla has forking nothing to do with bread and only Douche Bags use this greeting.

Guess I won’t name my bread Halla.

So I made an egg bread.

I just winged it making it similar to the way I make pizza dough but I added eggs and a little honey and brushed it with an egg.  It’s not braided so it’s not a Challah.

Next time you hear someone screaming “Halla” just forking stuff some bread in his face.

Forking Truth

Chips Ahoy was a forking 1956 Disney Film featuring Donald Duck and co-staring Chip and Dale. I don’t know if they have anything to do with the Nabisco Cookie but thought that was interesting.

According to Wikipedia Nabisco Chips Ahoy Cookies debuted in 1963 and are the second best selling packaged cookies in the United States just after Forking Oreos. Also according to old comic strips that used to be on the package Chips Ahoy Cookies have 16 Chocolate Chips in each Cookie.

When I was a kid I only remember one flavor of Chips Ahoy Cookies, and didn’t eat them and still don’t but my sister did.

Today the flavor that I forking remember is called “Original” That bag of cookies wasn’t forking called “Original” was I was a kid it was just the only normal forking flavor they made.

But since that cookie sells so well they need to make another FORKING DOZEN kinds of this cookie.

Chewy

Chewy Reeses

Reeses

Chunky

Chewy Oreo Cream Filled (WTFork?)

Chewy Birthday Frosting filled (WTFork Fork!)

Chewy Gooey (looks like a day for Ammonium A.D.) Just look at that word gooey doesn’t it look like something a dog can forking squirt out?

Chewy Brownie filled (this one looks constipated)

Chewy Root Beer Float (someone must have been on weed to think of this flavor)

Chewy Mocha Chunk (Mocha is my least favorite flavor…)

Dulce de Leche (doesn’t look as forking awful as the previous ones)

Chewy Mint Chocolate Chip (?)

According to Wikipedia Nabisco produced a Chips Ahoy in Jell-o Chips Ahoy Pudding . (WTFork!)

This ship is Forking Wrecked!

Forking Truth

I enjoy TV Shows likes Parts Unknown where Anthony Bourdain Takes Gastronomic Adventures with the locals. So while in Mexico we decided to take the Vallarta Eats Signature Taco Tour where we ate at a variety of mostly Street Stands where only locals eat.

Birria Ricky

The first taco spot was called Birria Ricky.  We were told these were the very best less than a $1.00 Beef Tacos you can get anywhere. The beef was slow simmered in consume and you are offered a variety of fresh toppings for your double shelled Birria Beef Taco.

Birria Beef Taco

Our next stop was another Birria Beef Taco but this one differed as it was Fried.

Fried Birria Beef Taco

It tasted different than other fried beef tacos I tried as the shell had a rich flavor. I mentioned that it tasted different to me and was told it taste different because they brush the shell with beef juice.

Birria Chanfay

I didn’t have to stand in the street to eat this taco. The owner of this humble taco stand uses his driveway as his restaurant. We were provided with not all but most comforts of a restaurant, tables, chairs, napkins and assorted sauces.

Marisma’s Fish Taco

Possibly the most successful of the Taco Stands is Marisma’s for their Fish Tacos and Smoked Marlin. Everyone I spoke to measures all fish tacos by Marisma’s. The batter dipped fresh Maui Maui Fish Taco is topped with fresh cabbage salad and what really makes it tasty are all the close to a half dozen home made sauces they offer you. Marisma’s has been around I think for 30 years and they have opened two actual restaurant stand locations.

On the Street Bread and Pastry Vendor

We saw a man wearing this Big Basket Hat carrying Fresh Baked Breads and Pastries. We all got to take one back with us to try latter. I took a Pineapple Coconut One and it was good. I had no idea The Mexicans have French Influenced Baked Goods.

Tortillera Tortilla Factory

We stopped at a Tortilla Factory and learned the price of tortillas is set by the government. Many Mexicans are very poor and some only live on tortillas. A large amount of fresh tortillas can be purchased for almost nothing. I think we got about 12 for 15 cents. Nearly all the tortillas in this part of Mexico are made from 100% white corn and a small amount of water. The fresh warm tortilla I tasted differed from any other tortilla I ever tasted anywhere.

Ceviche Tostado

I learned that Mexican Ceviche is always cooked. The name of the casual restaurant we ate these Tostados at was called El Colera. The restaurant is small and casual but looked very clean. They also served several condiments with this Toastado. One sauce was a extremely spicy chili oil. We also had spicy picked onions, and fresh lemon (lime they call lime lemon here).

El Moreno

We had Quesadillas at El Moreno. The Corn Flour Tortilla is made right before your eyes and then gets filled with meat and onions.

Beef Quesadilla

My beef was very tasty but a little tough here. I really enjoyed the roasted Jalapeño that came with it. The Jalapeño was roasted just right and was spicy but had a great sweetness to it at the same time and elevated the quesadilla.

I didn’t take a picture of it but I tried a Guanabana Frozen Pop. It didn’t have a particular interesting flavor on it’s own but is suppose to be the new super food and many people believe it cures many ailments.  The frozen treat shop offered many home made fozen fruit pops and sorbets. The name of the shop was called La Michoacana.

We also visited a candy shop called Azteca. They do many products with coconut, seeds, grains and coffee. They also sell sweet liquors and they keep offering you samples. I think besides the fresh roasted pumpkin seeds I liked the spicy sweet but tangy Cucumber candy the best.

In addition to the Vallarta Eats Tour I had huiltacoche and Squash Blossom Quesadillas at the Vellas Vallarta Resort.

The squash blossom has little flavor on it’s own but was something different. The Huiltacoche had a woodsy savory almost sweet mushroomy flavor that was far more interesting.

We heard the very best Tortas in Town are made at Malibu Jugos Y Cafe so we went there on our own.

Tuna Torta

I don’t know what makes a tortas the best but I can tell you mine was made on fresh baked bread that was slightly sweet and buttered. We had two tortas and a very large Lemon (lime) water to drink and I think we only spent about seven dollars.

Adios Amigo!

Forking Truth

I wanted to make my normal Tuna Salad but was out of some of the things I normally forking put in it such as LEMON.  So I added some Sumac because of it’s lemony flavor and it Forking WORKED!

I didn’t measure but all I used was-

Light packed in water Tuna Fish

Sweet Onion

An Apple

Olives

Capers

Balsamic Vinegar

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

SUMAC

Sea Salt

Black Pepper

A small amount of Fresh Parsley

Sumac turned out to be  forking good in Tuna Salad.

Forking Good!

I was living in a Fool’s Paradise not knowing about all the FORKING CRAP they sneak into processed foods and Fast Food.  Maybe YOU ARE TOO!

I already wrote about Castoreum that Beaver castor sac substance mixed with FORKING Beaver’s Urine by the anal gland. (WTFork) (WHYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy) (if you remember Nancy Kerrigan, the Ice Skater  insert that picture here) WHYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

A very small amount of Castoreum is used (but not noted on food labels because it’s a “natural flavor”) in NOT ALL but some naturally flavored mostly vanilla raspberry things. A little bit goes a very long way and not much is needed only trace amounts. It’s also very expensive and not much is produced. I don’t have a forking clue on why someone decided to eat it.

Recently I wrote about Gelatin. I had no idea it was so Forking Processed to a forking point that many people don’t even consider it a meat substance even though it starts as Pig Skin.  The stuff is processed so much chemically it no longer is forking meat and even a starving Dog won’t eat it. Gelatin is added to so many things it’s scary.

Fast Food is fast and some people enjoy it. Recently according to the Huffington Post they wrote about a few Fast Food Places and some of the horrifying ingredients in their products they sell.

The Eggs in a Subway Breakfast Sandwich aren’t what you think there cracked up to be. (excuse bad pun) Besides eggs they have a solvent found in shaving cream, a silicon found in Silly Putty, and a Sealant found on Roofs and Concrete. God only knows what they’re going to find in you when you forking eat the stuff.  (Forking Gross)

Another Story reports about Chicken McNuggets sitting out on a counter too long and actually………

MELTING

into a pool of liquid.

You’d think a FORKING salad would be OK wouldn’t you? (WTFork Forking worst than gross)

No!

Sadly most fast food salad lettuce has PROPYLENE GLCOL in it.

FYI Propylene Glcol is in Antifreeze and Sexual Lubricants.  This sounds like the set up for a good joke. Antifreeze and Sexual Lubricants……???

Buyer Beware when you eat something packaged.

Forking Truth

I was forking watching Top Chef Duels and Chef David Burke made something called Fisherman’s Toast and all the judges were raving about it. They all went forking on and on with someone saying something like, “It’s so good I Could Forking eat this everyday forever”.  I don’t know exactly how he made it because all he revealed was that is was toast that’s charred with butter, meyer lemon and nori. I looked all over the web and nobody has posted a similar forking recipe anywhere. I was in a hurry to make this since it seemed so simple.  I didn’t go out to buy quality bread or light my grill.

I’m guessing that he grilled the bread to get the perfect char and that perfect char just before burnt is the secret.

I just toasted the bread and got a taste of what it could be. My taster enjoyed it.

I know it wasn’t nailed but I’m excited to do it next time.

Something to try.

Forking Truth

I saw this forking unflavored Gelatin at the Super Market. The “K” on it really caught my eye and I was forking hoping I found a plant based Gelatin.

So I went to forking read the ingredients.

All I see is Gelatin.

WTFork!

Next I contacted the store that sells this Gelatin and they assured me it was Kosher and Made from Pork Skin.

In my Head I’m thinking WTFork. How can somebody be so misguided. Everybody knows Pig can never be Kosher.

This is Forked Up!

In my research I learned Copyright Laws don’t apply to single letters so any company can put a “V” or “K” on their product.

Copyrighted Symbols are

Vegan and Vegetarian Symbols

Kosher Symbols

There is a forking lot of processing that goes into the manufacturing of Gelatin. Collagen is extracted from Skin and Bones, it’s soaked, cooked, filtered and evaporated. During the process it becomes inedible so much so even a starving dog won’t eat it. Food that a starving dog won’t eat loses it’s status as food and becomes the same as eating forking dirt.

Here is how the manufacturer explained it.

People who still consider this kind of product Kosher are in the extreme minority.

Every reliable Kosher Certifying agency does not consider such a product Kosher.

In the United States almost all Kashrut Organizations do NOT endorse Gelatin made from Non-Kosher Sources.

“K” doesn’t necessarily mean Kosher it might mean Pork.

Forking Truth

Most Forking Pizzas that you get out look like this.

Brother’s Pizza

Why have that?

When you can have this?

I Forking Love making pizza it’s so easy. I do note it’s easier and quicker if you have a double oven but I used to make pizza the same way when I only had a single oven so you can do it too!

Just follow the directions for your yeast. I needed 100-110 degree water

and for a double batch of dough I needed about the same amount of sugar to yeast.

Then I added this much water.

And I waited maybe a half hour till I got this.

Next I added my bread flour

Till it was almost mixed and then added Kosher Salt and Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

And I mixed it up by hand and made it into a ball and kept rolling it inside it’s self and added a little more bread flour for the dough to sit in. Then I covered it with plastic wrap and sat it in a warm place.

I waited for it to double in size and punched it down and kept rolling it into itself again and again.

And like a forking broken record. I punched it down again and rolled it into itself again and forking again.

I took half the dough and patted it into a slightly Extra Olive Oiled pizza pan topped with a little semolina flour. I also used a little semolina flour to spread it out.

I wanted a fluffy but crispy crust so I let it sit out half an hour and had my upper oven set at 350 and my lower oven set at 475 with a pizza stone in it.  I baked the crust for about 12 minutes in the upper oven and flipped the crust on a board and then topped it.

Now this went in the 475 oven on a pizza stone and came out 6 or 7 minutes later.

Doesn’t This

Look Forking Better

than

this?

Brother’s Pizza

Forking Truth

These “Summer Rolls” are forking made with, Spaghetti Squash, Red  Cabbage, Sweet Onions, Red Bell Peppers, Carrots, Radish, Cilantro, Hatch Chiles, and HIBISCUS Flowers. It would have been easy to put all these ingredients into a Forking Salad but it’s more fun to eat as a Summer Roll. Some of the ingredients I used are a little forking unusual in a Summer Roll like the Hibiscus Flowers, Spaghetti Squash and Hatch Chili’s.

Sweet Hibiscus Flowers really cut the Forking Spicy Hatch Chili’s and together they are sweet and spicy.  The Spaghetti Squash was a fun and Healthy Alternative to More Noodles in the Roll and all the other forking vegetables are fresh and crunchy filler but taste good together.

After briefly soaking the rice paper in warm water I just forking rolled them up in rice paper-

and made a simple forking dipping sauce out of Hibiscus syrup, minced Hatch Chiles, minced Cilantro and a small amount of Peanut Butter. It’s not really Ethnic but it came out tasty.  Everything was just what I forking had around the house that I thought would be fun to eat as a Summer Roll.

A Fun Appetizer or Snack made from an odd bunch of what I had around the house. Summer Rolls can be More fun to eat than a Salad.

Forking Truth